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    The gift that keeps on pushing!

    By Sandy Gandhi

    It seems we’re not happy enough with the plethora of celebratory days in our calendar already, when the retail sector bombards us with buying expensive and superfluous gifts.

    Whilst there’s the obvious gift-requiring occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, Christmas, mothers day and fathers day, the latest Americanism to hit us is the Push Present – an expensive gift usually diamonds and the like, for pregnant mums once they’ve pushed out their bundle, hence Push Present.

    But why restrict Push Presents for women giving birth? That’s a birthist and sexist attitude which is insensitive to women and men who can’t do birth for whatever reason.

    Life’s full of other worthy pushy moments where a present would be much appreciated and well-deserved. Caring enough to fake an orgasm successfully merits a Push Present. On the other hand, going solo, faking an orgasm and calling out your own name when you come, smacks of self-deception and unworthy of a gift…unless you wrote yourself a cheque for money you don’t  have or bought yourself flowers for being fabulous in bed!

    Being taken out to dinner as a Push Present – for a Vindaloo!

    Church leaders who support their own that have been sharing far too much love with their underage flock – give them a Push Present, in the name of their fathers, their sons and those unholy ghosts!

    Centrelink’s baby bonus, redundancy packages, suppositories, enemas and colonic irrigations – these are definitely Push Presents.

    The roadside assist guys – should they get Push Presents?

    Trying to negotiate the aisles in a supermarket  with a dodgy trolley definitely deserves a Push Present.

    The guy who gets the wheelie bin out – he’s earned a Push Present. The guy who gets the wheelie bin out on time absolutely deserves a Push Present. As for the guy who gets the correct wheelie bin out on time, I’d love to know exactly where he is – have I got a Push Present for him?!

    And of course for the guy who lifts the toilet seat, aims well but is also prepared to do a mop-up if he errs before he flushes, then puts the toilet seat back down – he is so Push Present material.

    A drunken planker falls off a balcony – should he or she get a Push Present? Depends if they’re dead or alive I guess.

    Osama Bin Laden – dead man planking? He got the ultimate American Push Present, and they gift wrapped him as well!

    You’re  contemplating jumping from a height – possibly not the most appropriate time for a Push Present. A bit like gifting your parents or grandparents with funeral insurance.

    Wonder if Kevin 07 got a Push Present on the first anniversary of being the Foreign Minister.

    Our PM trying to flog the carbon tax is akin to pushing crap up hill – give her a Push Present please.

    One guy who’s up for a Push Present right now – Rupert Murdoch. Deng, give Wendi one too!

    Kyle Sandilands’  alleged out of pocket landlord has promised Kyle a big Push for being Present but unaccounted for!

    Push Presents all round in the Middle East for Tunisia’s Ben Ali, Egypt’s Mubarak and soon to be recipients, Libya’s Gaddafi, Syria’s Bashar Al Assad and Yemen’s Ali Abdullah Saleh – in shaa Alaa!

    Federal Labor MP Craig (credit-card) Thomson has been sprung providing a Push Present or two courtesy of the HSU (Health Services Union). Give the guy a Push Present – the Minister of Healthy Affairs perhaps!

    And last but not least, rumour has it Liberal MP Malcolm Turnbull is sourcing ideas for a very special Push Present – but he’s not Abbott to tell us who it’s for!

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    My one-eared inner holy cow and artist, Vincent Van Cow! A Portrait of the Performer as a Wannabe Artist! Comedius Interruptus! Indian or cowboy?! Sandy Claus! Rosita the Flea Whisperer! Brown Hilda, Queen of rape and Pillage!