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    The K-Rudd’s Prayer

    The K-Rudd’s Prayer

    By Sandy Gandhi

    I’m the father, whose name is Kevin,

    Hallowed be my name.

    My kingdom come, my will be done as it is in heaven,

    Give us the yea on ballot day,

    And forgive my digresses, as I forgive those who digress against us,

    And lead us into government, and deliver us from all evil women.

    Ah, men!

    Cameras don’t lie, reporters do!

    For readers who are interested in the story I refer to in my piece F#*K OFF YOU INDIAN MONKEY on 23/01/12 on  (www.thehoopla.com.au), here it is.- read more stories in my book Enlighten Up – More details in the ‘My Book’ section

    Cameras don’t lie, reporters do!                by Sandy Gandhi

    Enlighten Up No. 96 – 06/03/08

    As the cricketing season continues, so does the soap opera. – it’s like the Bowled and the Beautifool starring, Andrew Symonds and Harbhajan Singh.

    While Symonds does a poor performance of the ‘hard done by’ party in this sordid affair, some media outlets and their reporters, are treating the Indian cricketer like a cheating ex-lover – trying to find some dirt on Singh, intent on discrediting him, branding him a racist. It might just be a case of the pot calling the kettle white!

    In the latest episode, Singh’s accused of making ‘monkey’ signs at the Aussie cricketing fans during a game. The TV footage of this incident is a crock – Alan Border thought so too..

    The last monkey calling episode with audio from a TV camera, that covered visuals and conversations between Singh, Symonds, Ponting and Hayden (who acts like ‘the other guy’), did not have Singh’s words on tape, just everyone else’s!

    As a columnist, I’m media too, hence my motto, ‘if it hasn’t happened, I’ll make it up!’ – I might as well, cause every other bastard does!

    Both guys are good cricketers to have made their national teams, and it’s obvious they like the publicity, many in sport do.

    However, Singh’s more like a playground teaser, rather than an ex-lover. You know the type, once they know they can push your buttons, they press ‘continuous play’! At worst, they’re annoying, and if you totally ignore them for long enough, they might even come around.

    Symonds is like the kid on the playground with the note stuck to his back, saying ‘tease me!’

    I’d like to tell him to ‘lighten up’, but that would be racist of me!

    Do you cook as good as you look?

    by Sandy Gandhi

    The truth can be hard to swallow but the fact is, we’ve eaten our way to the top as the world’s fattest nation. Perhaps it’s because we’re bombarded with adverts and gimmicks for fast foods, confectionery and alcohol – how can a kid resist an unhealthy meal when it comes with a free toy?

    And if that’s not enough, on any given day, some commercial channels have at least five cooking shows programmed, not forgetting the food that’s rammed down our throats during the ad breaks.

    We’ve got celebrity chefs in the way of the sultry chef, the naked chef, and then there’s the gay chef, the black chef, the straight chef and the white chef. Zer’s ze European chef and the oriental chef, and there’s the cook and the chef. We have, the iron chef, the fat chef and the thin chef, the good chef and the bad chef, even the effen chef.

    And let’s not forget master chef where life’s just one big cook-off and celebrity master chef – who cares a frying duck if celebs can cook?

    It seems wrong to have three podgy chefs judging full-fat cooking. George Calombaris, Gary Mehigan and Matt Preston are undoubtedly great cooks, but does wiser have to mean wider?

    Have you noticed how much podgier the three of them have become since the start of the series?  Matt Preston’s appearances on TV to plug his cook book Fatalicious, I mean Cravatalicious, had him sitting side-saddle in his chair so he didn’t burst the seams of his clothing. Luckily for Matt, Jenny Craig offered him a meal, I mean a deal, he couldn’t refuse.

    Rather than looking like they should be on Celebrity Biggest Loser, how about Master Chef Lite with 30% less fat? It could result in all three of them losing weight as their show progresses, inspiring a spin-off series called, Biggest Chef is Master Loser!

    www.sandygandhi.com.au

    Aussie values you

    by Sandy Gandhi

    In search of a better life, we applied to immigrate to Australia in 1962, our interview eventuating in 1969.

    It wasn’t our lack of English that caused the 7 year delay. A lack of literacy at the Aussie Embassy was more likely, so said the High Commissioner, giggling apologetically.

    We were at the upmarket West End Hotel, in Bangalore, India, dressed in our ‘gladrags’. My father and 3 brothers aged 15, 12 and 11 were in suits, my mother, sister and I, aged 9 and 10 respectively, were in our laciest best.

    Barefooted in a pair of shorts and a singlet, the High Commissioner complimented us on our fabulous outfits, politely excusing himself, but the humid weather determined the choice of his wardrobe.

    He noted my parents were university graduates, and my siblings and I were good students with a bright future. Dad and he chatted like mates about horseracing, beer and cricket. “I’ll waive the literacy test cause youse speak better English than I do!” he quipped – ‘application approved!’

    We got here in 1970. My parents’ uni degrees were not recognised forcing them to settle for less. They became depressed and had more than a beer, and to make ends meet, they turned to gambling, an enduring legacy for their descendants to value – but hey, we do the lingo and love bingo!

    The gift that keeps on pushing!

    By Sandy Gandhi

    It seems we’re not happy enough with the plethora of celebratory days in our calendar already, when the retail sector bombards us with buying expensive and superfluous gifts.

    Whilst there’s the obvious gift-requiring occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, Christmas, mothers day and fathers day, the latest Americanism to hit us is the Push Present – an expensive gift usually diamonds and the like, for pregnant mums once they’ve pushed out their bundle, hence Push Present.

    But why restrict Push Presents for women giving birth? That’s a birthist and sexist attitude which is insensitive to women and men who can’t do birth for whatever reason.

    Life’s full of other worthy pushy moments where a present would be much appreciated and well-deserved. Caring enough to fake an orgasm successfully merits a Push Present. On the other hand, going solo, faking an orgasm and calling out your own name when you come, smacks of self-deception and unworthy of a gift…unless you wrote yourself a cheque for money you don’t  have or bought yourself flowers for being fabulous in bed!

    Being taken out to dinner as a Push Present – for a Vindaloo!

    Church leaders who support their own that have been sharing far too much love with their underage flock – give them a Push Present, in the name of their fathers, their sons and those unholy ghosts!

    Centrelink’s baby bonus, redundancy packages, suppositories, enemas and colonic irrigations – these are definitely Push Presents.

    The roadside assist guys – should they get Push Presents?

    Trying to negotiate the aisles in a supermarket  with a dodgy trolley definitely deserves a Push Present.

    The guy who gets the wheelie bin out – he’s earned a Push Present. The guy who gets the wheelie bin out on time absolutely deserves a Push Present. As for the guy who gets the correct wheelie bin out on time, I’d love to know exactly where he is – have I got a Push Present for him?!

    And of course for the guy who lifts the toilet seat, aims well but is also prepared to do a mop-up if he errs before he flushes, then puts the toilet seat back down – he is so Push Present material.

    A drunken planker falls off a balcony – should he or she get a Push Present? Depends if they’re dead or alive I guess.

    Osama Bin Laden – dead man planking? He got the ultimate American Push Present, and they gift wrapped him as well!

    You’re  contemplating jumping from a height – possibly not the most appropriate time for a Push Present. A bit like gifting your parents or grandparents with funeral insurance.

    Wonder if Kevin 07 got a Push Present on the first anniversary of being the Foreign Minister.

    Our PM trying to flog the carbon tax is akin to pushing crap up hill – give her a Push Present please.

    One guy who’s up for a Push Present right now – Rupert Murdoch. Deng, give Wendi one too!

    Kyle Sandilands’  alleged out of pocket landlord has promised Kyle a big Push for being Present but unaccounted for!

    Push Presents all round in the Middle East for Tunisia’s Ben Ali, Egypt’s Mubarak and soon to be recipients, Libya’s Gaddafi, Syria’s Bashar Al Assad and Yemen’s Ali Abdullah Saleh – in shaa Alaa!

    Federal Labor MP Craig (credit-card) Thomson has been sprung providing a Push Present or two courtesy of the HSU (Health Services Union). Give the guy a Push Present – the Minister of Healthy Affairs perhaps!

    And last but not least, rumour has it Liberal MP Malcolm Turnbull is sourcing ideas for a very special Push Present – but he’s not Abbott to tell us who it’s for!

    www.sandygandhi.com.au

    Literary Tittery comes to Sydney… Monday 18 April

    Literary Tittery comes to Sydney…

    (Guess which one is Sandy? You’re right, they’re all Sandy!)

    Sandy Gandhi to perform in Sydney in April…

    Byron Bay’s riotous comedienne Sandy Gandhi, Australia’s most easterly Indian, is coming to Sydney for a one-off show in Leichhardt.
    Most recently discovered on Channel Seven’s Australia’s Got Talent, Sandy was described by judge Red Symons as the most successful comedienne ever on the show.

    Olivia Newton-John says: “Sandy Gandhi was hysterical as the ‘surprise’ comedian at my milestone birthday party at Gaia Retreat & Spa last year. Sandy made me laugh so hard and my American guests wanted to steal her away, back to the USA.”
    Editor of The Northern Star Russell Eldridge wrote: “Sandy Gandhi loves words. She loves them so much she toys with them, rearranges them and offers you a playful insight into anything from personal relationships to world affairs.”
    Time: 6.00pm, Monday 18 April
    Venue: “Le Pain Quotidien”, 54 Norton Street Leichhardt
    Cost: Supper + performance $35.00
    RSVP essential, limited spaces
    Payment: Send cheques to Australian Writers Network, PO Box 136 Balmain NSW 2041 or deposit your payment into the following account:
    Australian Writers Network Westpac BSB 032 020 Account 254469 (make sure you provide your last name when paying.)

    Inquiries Irina Dunn (02) 9646 1101

    The wrong side of Sesame Street

    The wrong side of Sesame Street

    by Sandy Gandhi

    Hasn’t Sesame Street come a long way? Talk about moving with the times, I happened to catch an episode on a Monday morning and it was brought to us by the letter ‘E’ and introduced by the Cookie Monster. Suffice to say that the Cookie Monster after holding back for a while couldn’t help himself and gobbled up the ‘E’.

    Rumour has it shortly thereafter he ravaged Kermit much to Miss Piggy’s disdain. The rest of the week, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, were brought to us by the letters ‘M’, ‘D’, ‘M’ and ‘A’ respectively, resulting in the Cookie Monster embarking on a marathon love-in with Big Bird!

    With the Cookie Monster in re-hab for sex addiction, the following week, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday were sponsored by the letters ‘L’, ‘S’ and ‘D’ and the rest of the week was left to our imagination – what a trip that was!

    After a week of cookie-interruptus, the Cookie Monster was back bringing us Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday courtesy of the letters ‘T’, ‘H’ and ‘C’. Much to his delight, the letter ‘C’ stood for cake, space-cake that is, and cookies of course, very special cookies, causing him to develop a chronic case of the munchies and completely forgetting about Thursday and Friday. He’s back in re-hab!

    www.sandygandhi.com

    Brown Hilda, Queen of rape and Pillage! Rosita the Flea Whisperer! Sandy Claus! Comedius Interruptus! My one-eared inner holy cow and artist, Vincent Van Cow! A Portrait of the Performer as a Wannabe Artist! Indian or cowboy?!